yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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