omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
