First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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