Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
