I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
