I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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