sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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