I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
