Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I deserve to be covered in dicks
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
