Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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