Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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