This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
