If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
