Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
