She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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