she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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