There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize