I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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