Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
