There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
