There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
