i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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