Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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