Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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