I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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