She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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