Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
