so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
