Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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