In the future we'll all be gay
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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