Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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