I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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