Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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