Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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