He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
