i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
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