Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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