Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
