Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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