dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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