Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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