Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize