I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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