just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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