omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
