I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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