Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
