Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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