I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
