i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
