Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
