im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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