just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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