Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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