Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
high people should be assigned attendants
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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