the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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