First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
only you would photoshop your dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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