checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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