I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
