btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
