You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
