Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
