took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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