umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
