dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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