; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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